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My mother would never say if I got a tatoo that it was beautiful. My mother never congradulated me when I got my license, never taught me how to drive, never helped me study for my permit, and tells everybody I'm a bad driver. She tells me I can't have pink hair forever because one day I have to grow up. She says that I'm a teenager and that I need to go to therapy insted of listening to wait I have to say and being sincere. She tells me to move out of the house but whenever I say about moving out on my own she says I can't do it. She always told me she would help me buy a car and now when it comes down to it she gives me permission to buy it myself. She tells me she loves me so much and when I was living in PA by myself she was depressed, but she never called me. She told me about how I need to call my dad and told me I need to fix my relationship with him when she wouldn't have know I hadn't talked to him in two years unless I told her and she hasn't spoken to her dad in nearly three or four years. 

I'm so confused. For the last five or six years, my mom hasn't been a mom. She hasn't even been a person. Tonight we watched the movie Charlie Barlett and when the girl talks to him she says "it just kind of sucks to have one parents ditch you and the other one go crazy" and I said "i know how she feels." 

And no one still listens. Someones I wonder what it would be like to get an abortion. I would have been able to leave more quickly and abruptly. But at the same time, if I got an abortion I probably would have wondered what it would have been like to have a kid and that curiosity would have killed me. 

I go insane but she still keeps me balanced.

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While I was playing with my daughter in the mommies support group at WIC I imagined her sitting up by herself, in a poncho. And right then and there it was my goal to make one for her. Which is what I'm doing this vey second. I'm also going to try to make myself a hat with devil ears since red in the color i have. Some time this week I'll go out for big bins of yarn. Then maybe I can sell them on etsy. Along with my t-shirts. 

do you think people will buy?

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greatestjournal isn't letting me update. So i'm using this journal. 

Once again, I've decided to try to start writing in a journal again. And this I can put on private so that I don't have to have anyone reading it if I don't want them too. In a month, I'll be graduating. I still have one credit to finish but i've had it since about the beginning of december. And I'm taking my damn time. I feel bad for justin because we are both really bad procrastinaters, but I have a shitload of time to do one lousy credit, and he has to haul ass on all his work. He isn't good under pressure and that is what everybody is giving him. 

Yesterday lillee turned eight weeks old. She is getting so big. I love finding new clothes for her because I love how cute she looks. She is babbling more now and smiling and laughing. It adorable the conversations justin and I have with her. But she certainly has a personality. There are her cluster feed days where every hour I feed her on both boobs. And then there are her "sleep all day" days where I barely feed her and she sleeps all the time. When mandy was changing her, she was upset so she was crying. And mandy says "you know, I think she might be colicky." Mandy's baby ramona never cries, or at least when she is out in town and at school. And I wanted to tell her "just because your baby is perfect, doesn't mean the babies that cry a little bit are colicky." I know colicky babies and lillee is not one. She is actually a good baby. She has her cranky days but who doesn't? 

I love driving. I drove yesterday to and from the office, and now i just want to go and get my license because I am ready to drive everywhere. All I need is a car. It just makes me feel so much more independent and...adult. But I love the MAX and the bus in portland and I'm sure if I move there or san francisco or new york, i'll love taking transportation there too. 

Justin has an appointment with the airforce recruiter today at two. We may have to get married sooner that we thought. And thats okay. I love him and I planned to get married to him. Besides, I want him to be happy with his life and I know he wants to be in the airforce. And we will be secure and with how the economy is, that is a good thing. I want to be around for lillee's childhood and even though I'm going to miss justin to death and it's going to be really hard, him going into the airforce is giving me the chance to be with lillee and fufill my dreams insted of working constantly to barely make ends meet. I mean what teenage mom wouldn't want that. I do feel a little selfish knowing that i may get this, but i'm not going to be wasting my life. I'm going to be raising my beautiful daughter the life i want for her. And i'm not becoming a housewife. I'll still go to college and go to school for yoga, but on my own time when i'm ready, not when I have to. I'm still young, but growing older at the same time. 

It would be so fantastic if I could live in brooklyn or san francisco, as expensive as they are. But they both have wonderful enviroments, and have art schools I was interested in going to and they have a number of fantastic yoga programs insted of crappy ones that are scattered an hour away. Justin and I plan to get married at Voodoo Doughnuts. Its always been a dream of mine. And its perfect. It is artsy, not completely serious which when I get married I want to be relaxed (not stressed) about it. And its in the city I love and grew up in. I mean portland is a character itself and to be commited to the one I love there would be a dream come true. It is actually the perfect place for me to get married. It just fits, like a puzzle. But if we are going to get married soon, I have to plan. I have to find a wedding dress, decide how I'm going to do my hair or makeup. If I want a friend to be there, where we are going to go on our honeymoon and to get a cab or something that says "just married" on the back so I can have people honk at us. I love justin and it is going to be me and him. 

So much has changed but so much is going to happen. And it seems that life is going to happen the way we WANT, not the way it has to be. And that is something i am completely grateful for. Lets just hope it does not all go to shit. 

Last night before I went to bed I thought to myself, there are three things i am utterly and completely grateful for and appreciate more than anything. The love justin has for me, my daughter, and a warm comfortable bed at night. Every time I get comfortable and warm in bed, I think of how miserable the jews must have been going to bed at night in the concentration camps and i enjoy it that much more. Its weird to think about, but it helps me appreciate what i have. Isn't that good?

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